The Fours
If three is the number of spiritual divinity, then four is the number of earthly stability. So many of the day-to-day objects and things in our life rely on the number four to give them the stability that we take for granted. Cars and most of the wheeled vehicles we travel on, like buses, and trucks and vans, all have four wheels. Our pets, (for the most part!) have four appendages. Tables and chairs and all other manner of household items and pieces of furniture have four legs, or four feet.
Then what does stability look like to an aro or ace person?
It could look like the Four of Wands: A traditionally joyous card, it is often associated with marriage, and a happy domestic life. It is coming home to a house of warmth, welcoming and full of joy. It is the kind of life all queer people wish for and work towards in their own ways: One where there is no stress from housing instability or the anxiety of possible eviction. No threats of being kicked out and rendered homeless by viciously bigoted mothers. No danger of abuse from predatory fathers. No sad or empty space in the house where a once vocally loving and supportive partner used to stand. The large castle in the background, where all of the revelry is taking places, suggests a house of stability and safety: a safe space, with happiness and love. It is a place that invites us to lay our weary bones, and our tired head, and rest. To rest, safe to heal from whatever trials and tribulations we may have had to fight in the greater world.
It could also look like the Four of Cups, quite possibly one of the most quintessential aro and ace cards in the Smith-Waite tarot apart from The Hermit and the Eight of Cups. To those who have braved the wilds of singles nights or speed dating events at bars and clubs (pre-pandemic), or who have tried their luck by gambling for decency on online dating apps, the Four of Cups can represent the wonderful stability of being safely secure in one’s own asexuality or aromanticism. You know what you want, and what you don’t want. You have your loved ones, you have your family or chosen family, and you have your friends. You aren’t looking for a sexual misadventure, or a sexual relationship, or a sexual tryst. Maybe you’re simply looking for a friend, a queer platonic partner, or simply a meaningful, mature connection. Whatever it is you’re looking for, you are definitely clear on what you’re not looking for. Anyone who tries to defy that boundary gets a swift and firm rejection. There is the possibility that in being so restrictive, you could fail to see the possible connections you could be making with the people you reject (maybe someone who would come across as wanting a sexual relationship, could be more than willing to have a non-sexual or platonic relationship or friendship with you). But in the end, it’s something you’re willing to live with. If such people really do wish to build a meaningful and intimate relationship with you entirely separate of sexual expectation, that’s on them to communicate to you.
Stability might also take the form of the Four of Pentacles. Here we have a man who has clung fiercely to his material wealth and resources. At first it is tempting to write them off as a miser, or someone who is so greedy that they would be ready and willing to die and be buried with their wealth. And while that could be true, I wonder what has happened to that person to leave them so zealous in guarding their four pentacles. Perhaps they lived a life where too much was asked of them, by too many people? Perhaps they gave of themselves so freely and so totally that they were left in a state of impoverishment themselves.
This can then be a cautionary message, especially for people who have taken on an active role of participating in queer and or ace and aro community activism and organizing, to take care of themselves first. While the work towards ace and queer liberation is seemingly never over, just as limitless should be the amount of grace and care we should be extending towards ourselves, and our needs. Stability then, means taking care of one’s own mental and emotional resources, in addition to their time, money and energy, to ensure that they don’t fall to the ever-present danger of burnout.
And on the subject of self-care, we come to the Four of Swords, which has a tendency to scare some people off at first before they are prompted to look more closely at the card. The lying figure is often mistaken to be dead, and resting on a tomb. Yet, there are no external signs or indicators to show that death is what is happening in this scene. In other scenes where death plays a central role, there usually a sign of violence: in the Ten of Swords, we see a person face down in the ground in a pool of their own blood, ten swords shoved decisively into their back. In the Death card we see a skeleton rising a horse who has brutally trampled over a once-regal king, moments before it is going to do the same to the king’s bishop and family.
Here, instead, we have a scene that is almost peaceful. Serene and tranquil, even. The four swords in the picture are pointed down, or on their side; there is no threat present, so there is no need to have them in the air, drawn, at the ready (like what we see in the Queen of Swords or the Knight of Swords). It’s the time to put our weapons down. As warriors at rest, this tells us that if we’ve been in the thick of things — whether it is dealing with political figures and bureaucracies to get more institutional visibility and support for ace and aro people, or contending with aphobia online — now is the time to meditate, rest, and take time off for some badly needed self-care.
Stability then, is the theme of this set of cards. Whether it is in your interpersonal, financial, professional, or internal life, these are the cards that tell us that it is the time to recuperate and rest. To not rush to make drastic or radical changes. Those are for another day. Until then, we can relax in the safety of stasis.
